Newbies reaction in the birth suite when it’s go time!
Kiki was 7 months pregnant with feet that were no longer petite, a craving for Nutella on ice cubes and hairy legs because she hadn’t been able to reach down to shave them. I assumed Kiki invited me to lunch to ask if I could shave her legs as we had been friends since 2nd grade. Kiki sat down and whispered ‘I can’t wait for this baby to come out’ and quickly smiled as the waiter started cleaning the table.
Ever since Kiki told me that she was pregnant, I had been complimenting her on her pregnancy glow and always commented on how cute she looked. Kiki would smile and rub her tummy and we’d giggle like school girls. Today, I got a different reaction. I went through my usual script of telling Kiki she was glowing and before I could tell her how cute she was, she rolled her eyes and told me that she wasn’t wearing any underpants because she dropped them when she was getting ready and tried to fling them up into the air with her right foot to catch them but missed, so decided to continue her day without them. I looked at her in shock What was happening to my sweet Kiki?
Kiki reached into her bag and placed a nice little package on the table and told me to open it. She told me that I didn’t have to give her an answer right away. I opened up the package and read a little note from Kiki’s bump asking me to experience ‘falling in love at first sight’. It was an invitation to witness Kiki push a bowling ball out of a keyhole. The moment reminded me of the time Kiki asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I smiled and told her I’d be honoured to be next to her and Mr Kiki as she gives birth to their first child.
I went home and searched childbirth on google to prepare myself as there was no training for the support people. The youtube animation on childbirth was so cute, I thought, this is a piece of cake. This was going to be my first time in a birth suite, first time amongst the live action and the first time I would ‘fall in love at first sight’. (Mr Peepaw read that line and huffed and puffed, so I told him I’ve changed it to ‘second time’).
It was month 9 and the baby was still baking in the oven so I joined Kiki and Mr Kiki on some evening walks. I had a couple of upcoming events and told Mr Kiki to call me. I hadn’t heard from Kiki so I thought it would be okay to spend time in town with my friends. I got dressed in a low cut black dress and headed into town. I went straight to the bar and ordered 2 vodka Smirnoff black bottles. As I was just about to take my first sip, a friend came running through the crowd with her phone in the air – It’s Mr Kiki, he tried to call you, It’s go time.
I was not ready, my birthing suite outfit (track pants, shirt, and slippers) were in the back of my car, I was wearing a black low cut dress and if I bent over, my front lady lumps would’ve fall out and I lived 20 minutes out of town. I jumped into a taxi and headed to the hospital. I arrived and shocked some of the midwives. I entered the suite and Kiki was bent over the bed cursing me because Mr Kiki had been trying to call me. She looked at me and said ‘what the hell are you wearing?’. I looked at Mr Kiki who pointed to his jumper for me to wear.
I walked over to rub Kiki’s back only to have her growl at me ‘you’re rubbing it too hard, you’re not rubbing in the right spot, just go away’. Oh my god, what happened to my Kiki, who was this impersonator?. Kiki looked at me and told me to listen. ‘Penelope, I need you to you listen to me, tell the nurse that I want the epidural, they will tell you I should wait a little longer but tell them I want the epidural NOW!’
I rushed to find a nurse thinking to myself, this wasn’t shown in the youtube video I watched. I approached the nurse and relayed the message and she responded with, ‘can she wait 10 more minutes?’. I told the nurse that she could tell Kiki her response, I was not going to get my head bitten off asking her to wait another 10 minutes. The nurse entered the room and in a nice tone suggested that Kiki wait a little longer. Mr Kiki and I stepped back and watched Kiki change into she-hulk before our eyes.
She-hulk got the epidural and slowly transformed back into Kiki. The midwife came in and checked 3 hours later to announce ‘it was go time!’. All hands on deck. I was told by the nurse to stand near Kiki’s left foot and push it back, she also told me it was the best seat in the house. I watched my friend push and flashes of our childhood came to mind. Here I was thinking 2 months ago that Kiki wanted me to shave her legs and now I was standing in the firing zone.
As Kiki pushed, I can assure you, it was not what the little note had promised ‘falling in love at first sight’. The angle where I was standing, there was no falling in love with anything, I didn’t want to fall in love at all. Kiki kept pushing and pushing and as she did I stood frozen watching the bowling ball slowly make its way out of the keyhole. The midwife put her hand in and assisted the baby out. Blood everywhere, baby crying covered in blood, Kiki and Mr Kiki kissing and hugging and there I was, standing with my jaw wide open still in shock.
Fast forward 7 years to Mr Peepaw and I attending a princess themed birthday party for Miss Bowling Ball. She is smiling and giggling with all her friends. I smile to myself and remember the little card inviting me to fall in love with that same little person, followed by the disturbing memory of her mother not wearing any underpants that day.
Penelope Peepaw.
